I Believe...

        In order to make it in the theatre business and in life, one must be confident in themselves and their abilities. To me, confidence has been something unattainable. I have feared confidence because of the fine line between confidence and arrogance. But I believe that confidence can be gained in the most unlikely situations.
In all my years, I had never been more nervous. It was the kind of nervous that settles in the pit on one’s soul and makes one’s heart claw into their throat. Last year, the drama club put on the production of Godspell. I was awarded the song “Turn Back, O Man”, sung by a very promiscuous character. I was dreading the first time I attempted this song because it was the complete opposite of who I am. This character was loud, confident, and so sure of what she wanted and knew exactly how to obtain it. I had lived my life second guessing every decision I ever made.
That night, it was time for my scene. My director had put off my scene the previous night, due to my absolute discomfort and embarrassment at my predicament. It was now or never at this point. I climbed up the stairs of the main aisle, dread bubbling in my chest with every step. While I waited for my cue line, I took a deep breath to calm my fraying nerves and attempted to still my shaking knees. Somehow, when that cue line reached my ears and I turned around, I just stared straight ahead and became that character. It was like a switch was turned on and all my fears and inhibitions were gone. The feeling of elation and relief I felt afterwards was evident in my quivering hands. It truly was the beginning of a new mindset for me.
I came to realize that the reason I could not perform that song at first was because I kept telling myself that I could not. I would berate myself for not performing a number perfectly, which I still beat myself up over even now. I constantly downplayed my achievements because arrogance is something that I have always feared. I realized that believing in one’s self is completely different from believing one is better than another because of their talent. This thought process has changed me for the better because I can trust myself to be proud of my abilities and not fear the threat of coming off as a diva or a snobby person. I know that I am talented and I will openly admit that. But, I will not use this belief to hurt others or downplay their achievements. Whenever I feel like putting myself down, I will remember this moment and understand that I am good enough to accomplish my goals. I am good enough to achieve my dreams.
I never thought that playing a prostitute would give me a glimpse of confidence, and yet it has. I am forever grateful to know that I can have pride in myself without being seen as arrogant. It has made my mindset more positive and overall I have learned that to have confidence is one of the most elating feelings in the world, which is why I believe that confidence can be found in unlikely ways.