There is one specific event that distinctly changed me and caused me to become so invested in theatre. My sophomore year, my high school director chose "Godspell" for the fall musical. I auditioned and believed that I had done terribly. I kept trying to convince myself that there was absolutely no way I had gotten into the cast. And yet, later that week, I stared up at the cast list and saw my name next to the name of the solo that I would be singing in the show. I could have melted from relief and happiness right there.
In theatre, especially improvisation, one must always say "yes". As much as it embarrassed me and scared me to death, I had to say "yes" to playing this character. This was, admittedly, easier said than done. Basically, I had to say yes to being a prostitute who boldly flirted with nearly everyone both on and off the stage. Before I had time to feel somewhat comfortable about what I was being asked to do, the day had come. My director walked up to me and said to go to the top of the stairs and perform my solo. I must have resembled a panicked fish with my mouth gaping open in shock. He simply shrugged and told me that it had been put off for long enough; in order to get over it, I simply had to just go for it. I just nodded numbly and began my ascent up to the top of the main aisle of the theatre. With every step I took, I could hear my heart pounding in my chest and my knees threatening to buckle. My sense of self-worth was so skewed back then that I thought that if I messed up, even the tiniest bit, everyone in the cast would hate me. I had such an intense fear of disappointing people that it got in the way of doing what I needed to do. So when I climbed those stairs, all that ran through my mind was 'You're not good enough' and 'Everyone will hate you if you slip up'. Standing up at the top of the stairs, I had to grip the handrail to keep from collapsing. Then, I heard my cue line and I turned. I will never know how I ever achieved this, but it was like a switch turned on in my mind. I looked straight ahead and became Sonia; I was gone and only the character remained. It felt like the wind was knocked out of me as soon as the song was over. I was overwhelmed with what I had just done and worried about what everyone would think that I did not notice their applause until the anxious flurry of thoughts calmed in my mind. My cast mates were in as much disbelief as I was, but they were praising me for it, not critically analyzing my first try and ripping it apart. I will never forget the love and elation and pure gratitude I felt that nearly made my heart burst.
I have never felt closer to a cast since “Godspell” and it will always hold a place in my heart. Looking back on my growth from then, I realize that that show gave me so many opportunities and experiences I will never forget. It taught me that I am good enough and that I have the courage and capability to achieve what I want to do in life. It taught me that I do not have to fight my insecurities alone; I will always have friends and family fighting with me and showing me the truth that is clouded behind the insecurities. Writing about this experience, I want to go to my sophomore self and tell her that it does get better. I want to tell her that there are people I will meet that will make me so joyful that my face hurts and my throat is hoarse from smiling and laughing so much. I want to tell her that she is capable of achieving anything in the world, and that these characters will teach her to hold her head high. I want to tell her that the theatre will hold her and comfort her and teach her so many lessons and different perspectives that her soul will grow old with wisdom. The theatre is my home. It will always, always be my home.
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